Paging Dr Boring….

I was asked out on a date (via Tinder). I hadn’t been on a date since I met my husband at the grand old age of 17. But having nothing better to do threw caution to the wind and decided to meet a handsome Junior Doctor in the city for drinks.

We’d not really spoken at all online. He popped up, asked if I was free that night and the next thing I knew I was frantically whatsapping my girl group with photos of outfits asking if they were appropriate date wear. To say I was nervous was an understatement. By the time I’d walked from the station to Starbucks where we were meeting, I was a hot mess (and I mean in the beads of sweat on your upper lip, hair sticking to forehead way, not the sexy way). Fortunately he was running late, so I managed to compose myself and look positively radiant by the time he arrived.

The Doctor was lovely. We went to a couple of bars, and had a really great evening chatting away with no awkward silences (hoorah!). He was obviously really intelligent and had travelled a lot, so I found him really interesting, well spoken and pretty funny, not to mention incredibly good looking. Towards the end of the night, he asked if I wanted to come up to his apartment to “see the view”. I wasn’t born yesterday, but he did seem quite gentlemanly and I think if that’s all I was interested in he wouldn’t have been too upset (not that he would have had a choice!), so I agreed.

He lived in a beautiful building with a fellow junior doctor. We went out onto the balcony to have a cigarette (shocking for a doctor right?!) and admire the, admittedly lovely, view. Then he kissed me. Which was clearly his intention all along I’m sure. This is where it all started to go hideously wrong.

On going back inside he started playing his guitar and sang some song (I’ve blocked the memory so can’t remember what it was, but it was pretty slow I think). I utterly HATE this sort of thing. I’m sure he thought it was romantic, but honestly it just makes me queasy as I feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Even if fucking John Frusciante did this in such a situation I would probably be looking for an exit or some way to make him stop. Is it just me that finds this awkward?? I was pretty much willing for him to get me naked just so I could avoid having to make eye contact whilst he was singing. A decision I would probably later regret.

We went to his room, kissed some more, and striped me to my underwear. I was looking forward to things heating up and some foreplay. Next thing I knew he turned out the light, and got under the covers. It was pitch black. He went down on me for a what felt like a millisecond, whacked a johnnie on and climbed on top of me missionary style. He might have lifted my legs up a bit, I forget, I just remember thinking, “well this is shit”. I tried to grind a bit, or get him to maybe change it up, but it was clear he was on the missionary pumping train to comeville.

The absolute worst of it was afterwards when he said with a proud look on his face “it was so great, some people just click in bed”. I hadn’t come. I hadn’t faked it. I don’t know why he thought it was so good? He was a lovely guy. But I don’t know how he thought it was good sex? I didn’t enthuse about it, but I’m not a bitch (except maybe here on this anonymous platform). It might have been good for him, but it was absolutely not the sort of sex I enjoy. I like to fuck with the lights on for a start. I like it to be hot and messy and foreplay to play a big part. And I’d definitely like to come thank you very much.

So what did I learn from this experience? Never sleep with someone on the first date (for myself). If you’re meeting just to fuck, make sure you have discussed the sort of sex you like/want before hand as I’d genuinely rather have given this sex a miss. There’s definitely a difference between dating and casual sex. I’m not after dating. I find it more nerve wracking and effort than fucking. At the moment I’ll stick to the fucking.

It goes without saying I didn’t see Junior Doctor again.

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