One thing that I found slightly awkward when I first started having casual sex was how to bring up the topic of safe sex. I went with the approach of bringing it up beforehand (if meeting for sex), so they know that is expected, and if they have any problem with it, then I wouldn’t meet them. So I generally just slip into conversation “by the way, I have one general rule, that I always practice safe sex”. If I go on a date, I’ll take condoms with me, and if things were heading that way, I’d bring it up before things got too steamy. I just think it’s easier than having to suddenly stop him as he thinks he’s about to penetrate you and fumble around looking for a little packet.
The variety of responses I’ve received has been wild. Some whinge straight away with the typical, “urgh I hate condoms, but I suppose at least I’ll last longer” or “I haven’t worn one in years, do we have to” (FUCK YES WITH THAT RESPONSE). Occasionally I’ll have some request to go bareback if they can prove they’re clean, though I’ve never ended up sleeping with these guys. And then the “no problem babe” – the preferred response.
One utterly fucking infuriating response was from a 43 year old I slept with. I’m pretty honest with everyone so had told him I had been having a bit of casual sex recently (around 7/8 partners in a few months at the time). When I asked him the question, he was fine with it. After we fucked we started talking about safe sex. He said something along the lines of “well I never normally use a condom, but there’s no way I would risk it with you”. I WAS FUCKING APPAULED. For one, I was at much higher risk of catching something from Mr Bareback than he was from me, and also DON’T SLUT SHAME ME. I pointed out that of the 4 people he’d slept with in the last year, it would only take one of them to give him chlamydia. He said he wasn’t too bothered about it. I pointed out that I very much would be as I want to have children some day and don’t want to have an undiagnosed STD making me infertile thank you very much. He thought about it a little and was then really apologetic and said on reflection he should be much more careful. I couldn’t believe I had to educate a 43-year-old man (who had two young daughters) on the need for having safe sex no matter how old or frequently you’re changing sexual partners. Only if you’re in a monogamous relationship and know you’re both hunky-dory would I personally engage in sex without a rubber.
Another guy I slept with in October is on my black list. We were meeting purely to fuck, with a view to making it a frequent thing if we enjoyed it. I had made my position on safe sex very clear, and he said he was fine with that. When we got down and dirty, he was going down on me from behind, then he faffed around a bit (I wrongly assumed putting a johnny on), but actually started to fuck me without one. I didn’t know until he came on me. I was so angry. I hadn’t noticed (I get really wet, and genuinely cannot feel a difference).
He messaged asking if we could meet again. I never responded due to utter fury. I have just about reached the 3 months I have to for an HIV test (chlamydia and gonorrhoea screening can be done 2 weeks after), so have that to look forward to. Having spoken to the sexual health clinic, my risk is low, but it’s still a risk I did not want to put myself under. Lesson learnt – always check their dick.
What baffles me about men who moan about condoms, is not only their apparent disregard for their own sexual health, but the expectation that women are on birth control. Yes, a lot of women take the pill, but many do not. If you’re meeting someone for casual sex I’m betting the intention isn’t on knocking her up. Not one man has asked me about birth control. I have an IUD (coil) so am covered, but those trying to convince me to forgo the condom do not know that. I’m sure as shit that if I sent them a text in 6-8 weeks saying I was knocked up they wouldn’t necessarily have my number still stored, let alone want to go for a 12 week scan, they don’t even know my surname.
I believe condom emojis are in the pipeline, I think this is a great way to encourage the conversation of safe sex for those who are a little shy of bringing it up. It shouldn’t be something that girls (or guys) need to feel uncomfortable about. It’s your body. Look after it.