When you don’t get what you want…

I recently wrote about a man who I was starting to fall for (here) and how he wasn’t sure about committing to dating me because he didn’t want any more children. He has decided that he “can’t take that choice away from me” so we can only be friends. He told me, and I turned into a lunatic. I partially blame my mental health, but mostly my stupid feelings. I’m also entirely enraged that I’ve been allowed no say in the matter; I tried to argue it’s my choice to make and that I wasn’t willing to accept his decision. Rather than handling it in a mature way, I sent a flurry of pushy messages. After a number of unanswered calls, I was pretty sure I’d pissed him off. He said he wanted to stay in my life, but when you have feelings for someone, am I alone in finding that too hard?

All in all, I’m just gutted. Not only that my fucking uterus is now dictating my dating, but because I was really excited to see what could be with this man. Not to mention it was the best sex I’ve ever had. I can’t even write about it. Every time I try, I get a few lines in and then don’t know how to describe it; it was insanely good. We might not have worked out, who knows, we didn’t even get a chance to entertain it. My pushiness could have been something that pissed him off and ultimately within a few months that could have made him walk away, or I may have found the distance between us (we don’t live close by) to be too much of an issue.

The fact is I generally like older men. A lot of men I’ve gravitated towards already have their own children. So, this is a problem I may face again. As I said in my previous post, I don’t know how I feel about having children. Frankly, I want to be part of a family when I’m older, whether that’s just with a partner (and many cats/dogs), with my own children, or with step children (or moving in with L and her family), I don’t think I’m fussed. I hate that I’ve been conditioned to want children, for it to be expected of me to have this maternal need to bear a child. My mother has been trying to buy baby clothes and cribs since I got engaged to my ex when I was 22, which is utterly insane, as I’ve never once indicated to her that the likelihood of having a family was ever imminent. All I’ve ever said is, “nope, still not happening” when she suggested the next baby name she had thought of (“Precious” being one of them, I kid you not).

Anyway, I think I need to take a step back from “dating” as whilst I accept things don’t always work out the way you want them too, I don’t think I’m in the right head space for that at the moment. Not sure if I want to do the whole casual sex thing for a while either. I have one fuck buddy I’ll carry on seeing from now and again if needs must, but I think I need to get my mental health back on track before I do anything else.

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