Condom quandary

Condom quandary

I first wrote about safe sex in February (post here) but as I’ve continued to have casual sex I have continued to be shocked at men’s attitude to their own (and my) sexual health.

The most recent encounter I had was with a man who had agreed he was happy to wear a condom. I always discuss this prior to getting down to business as I have found some men don’t want to wear them, so I simply don’t want to get involved. We’d been engaging in some foreplay and he’d even commented on the fact he had slept with another woman the night before (classy) and she hadn’t mentioned using a condom, which he thought was very strange of her. Yet, he didn’t wear one. Seemingly, in his mind, the onus is on the woman to care about her sexual health, and he was clearly happy to take a risk. Though later he went on to say he questioned her morals and “sexual cleanliness” due to the fact she hadn’t mentioned it.

When it came down to us fucking, he started rubbing his dick on my vagina, to which I exclaimed “STOP THAT”. He said, “I’m only teasing”. I don’t give a fuck mate; if it’s not wrapped, get it the fuck away from my cunt. He proceeded to do this several more times, at which point I was mad that I’d had to say NO repeatedly. He then added, “I won’t come in you”.


“Can I fuck your ass”?

“You’ll still have to wear a condom”



It transpired he had a problem maintaining an erection whilst wearing a condom, but to be frank, sex isn’t just about penetration. Ok, it might suck for the guy (though blow jobs look pretty great), but unless you’re in a committed relationship and can show you’ve been tested then I don’t see why a woman should put herself at risk just because you want to stick one up her.

Needless to say, this encounter didn’t end happily ever after. I sent him a Buzzfeed article the next day on the rise of sexually transmitted diseases and he assured me he knew all about them and was actually horrified by the number of women in his city with HIV, and was annoyed I had sent him the article and turned “nasty”.

Mind boggled.

There was another guy I’d been chatting to for some months with the intention of banging (geography had prevented us from hooking up). We finally got down to making arrangements, so I gave my safe sex spiel. He wasn’t happy. He assured me he was “clean”. I asked how he could assure me. He had no answer, so I said then it was a condom or no entry. He lost his cool and exclaimed it was not my business to know if he was free of STIs or not. Pulls puzzled face. I sent him a screen grab of my most recent check showing I had none, noting that’s all I needed. At this point he said he refused to go to the NHS as he didn’t want his employers to know his sexual history. So I was entirely pissed off as he clearly had no evidence of his lack of STIs and had stated he did not use condoms. FUCKING MORON. Blocked.

When I was chatting to idiot number one after the event, and he noted how he was shocked more women didn’t insist upon him wearing a condom, I pointed out that I’m a confident woman who had had to say no to him several times when he tried to get away without it. I speculated that there are likely to be many women who are less assertive so may comply without really wishing to. He revoked this theory, but I stand by it. I myself would have likely done it when I was younger, I was much less confident and found it a lot harder to say no, I was just fortunate enough to have slept with more respectable men.

I appreciate that STIs affect men too, but the reality is, a lot can affect woman more severely if they go undiagnosed, some resulting in infertility. Yet there are still those that cannot be treated that occur in both sexes, so I just can’t understand why you would willingly throw caution to the wind time after time.

I read an article recently in Glamour magazine (I can’t proclaim to buying it, it was a hand me down from the mother, I tend to hate women’s magazines, but that’s a whole other issue)… Anyway, the article was “Why women like you are avoiding the latex (condom)”.

The five stories given were:

  1. I get carried away.
  2. Guys say they don’t like them.
  3. It never became a habit.
  4. It ruins the sexual experience.
  5. We were drunk.

My responses to those would be this:

  1. Always be prepared. Keep a condom or two in your bag at all times. Then there is literally no excuse. Women usually always have a bag on them, so if things get heated, just reach for it and hand it over, or put it on for him.
  2. FUCK THAT. If a man ever says this to me, my response is always the same. Either wear it, or we don’t fuck. If they choose not to, imagine how much unprotected sex they’re likely to have and run clutching your precious vagina far far away.
  3. Make it one.
  4. Does it though? What has ruined sexual experiences for me are when men have fucked me without wearing a condom (without my knowledge) so I have had to spend 2 weeks pissed off about getting tested and then stressing for another 3 months waiting to go for an HIV screening.
  5. See point 1.

I’m not here to judge. Regrettably I’ve had unprotected sex, but I’ve learnt from my errors and wouldn’t do it again. Everyone can do as they wish, but when it comes to my own body, I obviously will express how I wish to behave and I won’t have anyone take advantage of that.

If you have had unprotected sex, wait two weeks to get tested as STIs won’t show up sooner than this. HIV lies dormant for 3 months, and requires a blood test for screening. For more information visit NHS.

Here endeth today’s rant.

Leave a comment

  1. November 7, 2016 / 10:26 pm

    I’ve heard similar things when I was meeting guys off apps and it seems that the reality of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections gets in the way of their fantasy so they forget about responsibility and instead ~ they just deny the seriousness of taking risks.

    Maybe it’s my fear of pregnancy, maybe it’s knowing the pain of ‘female’ ailments like getting urinary infections at the drop of a hat or getting a yeast infection after taking antibiotics; but I just can’t ignore risks when it comes to my sexual health. I am so protective of that part of my body now!

    • November 7, 2016 / 10:32 pm

      Well that’s the other thing, I have an IUD, but not one that’s wanted to go bareback has even asked if I’m on any contraception, and as a casual sex partner what if I turned up a month later carrying their child? Such a head in the sand attitude for a moment of lust.

  2. November 15, 2016 / 7:18 pm

    WHAT A JERK. Good on you for not letting him get away with it! We need more people (ahem, men) to change their attitudes towards safe sex and female sexuality.

    Love your writing and so happy I just found your blog, can’t wait to read more!

    Hannah x

    • November 15, 2016 / 7:19 pm

      Ah thank you so much, this is lovely.

      Yes, attitudes absolutely need to change towards safe sex, it’s not only about health, but respect. X

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