Slut shaming

Really the title of this post is a wholly unfair, as by referring to myself (and any other woman who chooses to sleep around) as a “slut” is a gross injustice, and the whole basis and reason for me taking to my laptop.

Since splitting with my husband in October I have slept with a fair few people (at the last count it was 12 guys and 1 girl). As I’ve previously said, prior to my husband I had slept with a grand total of 2 men. So it seems only sensible to me to go and truly explore my sexuality, find what I like, push the boundaries, try new things and not jump into a new relationship straight away.

However, with sleeping with multiple partners, comes multiple “concern” read: judgement.

I have lost one friend entirely over my “behaviour” as she did not approve of how I “handled my split” i.e. joined Tinder. Frankly, I’m sure there is more to her disapproval than she is willing to let on, as this is the weakest reason for dissolving a friendship I can think of, but nonetheless, she found it an acceptable excuse to throw at me. How can that possibly affect our friendship? Unless she now thinks so low of me that I chose to sleep with other people shortly after the dissolution of my marriage?

I had another two girls express concern about the fact I was sleeping with strangers. Their concern was for my personal safety, sighting murder as a high possibility. I appreciate this. However, spousal murder is much more common than at the hands of strangers. I always tell someone when I’m meeting someone new, where I’m going, who I’m meeting and give them a check-in time. I also tell the partner I’m meeting of this, so they are aware that there will soon be concern if I’m not contactable. One of these girls has two regular partners. She messaged me saying I should slow down and what was I getting from seeing so many men? This message was unsolicited – I didn’t really see what the point of sending it was other than to shame me. I felt shit about it.

My biggest annoyance was the opinion expressed of a friend of a friend. My friend noted I had slept with the same number of men in as many weeks and she had been discussing it with a colleague (because actually, it is fucking awesome). Her colleague expressed the opinion that clearly it was a reaction to my split, that I was going a little off the rails and nothing more. Sorry, but I don’t know this person at all, how can she make this judgement? Can it not simply be that I hadn’t had sex in over 18 months and was fucking horny? And why is it your business Miss I Don’t Know You From Adam/Have Never Spoken To You In My Life?

I’m having sex with multiple people for no other reason than I want to explore. If I have great sex with someone I’ll fuck him or her more than once, providing they want to see me again. So far, I’ve had repeat visits with four guys, I’d have seen another but he didn’t seem interested, so be it. All of them know it’s casual. I’m safe with all of them. So who is it hurting? I’m not lying to anyone.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had an awful, yet thankfully brief, period of depression for about 6 weeks over Christmas and New Year. I didn’t meet anyone new during that time. I haven’t been meeting people to make myself feel better about my split or myself. On my darkest days, it was literally the last thing I could think about. I didn’t use it as a mood booster. Only once I felt happy and well again did I return to Tinder, loins blazing ready for some new flesh. Not to validate my singleness, but to see what other sexual experience is out there that I’m yet to experience.

What I also find extremely irritating is the fact that it’s only my female friends to have voiced such “concern” or opinions. The male friends I’ve shared my Tinder tales with have said absolutely nothing negative or derogatory towards me. Yet some (absolutely not all) women in my life have made me question whether I should feel badly about my behaviour, whether I should stop doing what I’m doing, or if I am being a “slut”. As a strong feminist, this makes me really angry. Feminism is about being able to make your own choices and you shouldn’t be judged for them, least of all by women.

What do you think? Is sleeping with multiple casual partners “slutty”. Would the same be said if a man was doing this? Is it not acceptable to be able to sleep with whomever you wish to and as many partners as you want as long as it’s consensual? I’d be interested to hear your thoughts!

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2 thoughts on “Slut shaming

  1. I use “slutty” to describe my own behavior, but I see nothing negative about it. It’s just a descriptor that I’m having sex with multiple people in a casual way. It’s easier than saying “I’m having sex with multiple people in a casual way.”
    As long as you’re honest with partners about what you want/expect, honest about risks, and treat partners with respect, do what you want.
    I think people are more likely to think women who are sluts are broken vs men who do the same. Men get tarred with the “he just won’t grow up”-type judgment. I think it comes down to the fact that other people aren’t happy with their own sex lives and feel insecure, so they judge. People who are secure (and I know some very conservative people who are super supportive of my own sluttiness) don’t tend to judge.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t see anything negative about the word itself, it’s just the connotations that are held around the word and the way people treat me / judge me for my actions when I don’t think it’s their place too.

    Totally agree that it’s other people’s own unhappiness / insecurities that makes them judge and that the men vs women vision is skewed.

    x

    Like

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