Speed dating

Have you ever gone for a night out drinking and been inconspicuously thrust into a speed-dating event by your married friend because she thought it would be hilarious? I have. My so called “friend” and I were on her first night out post baby for some much needed drinking, and when a cute barman asked if we were single and would like to join the singles evening, she gleefully agreed and thrust a name badge (Princess Consuela) on my right tit no sooner than he had handed her a marker pen.

I wasn’t particularly keen to join in, it’s never been something on my “to do” list and I didn’t want my best friend to have to hang around whilst I was making small talk with strangers. But seeing as it was her idea and she was positively gleeful about it (and proceeded to make friends with fellow wing women and drink heavily in the corner cheering me on) I suppose I couldn’t use that as an excuse.

I made the fatal error of ducking out for a cigarette at the wrong moment and upon re-entering the room, the speed dating had begun, so I had to sit at an empty table for the first round. Nothing like feeling like a lemming. Each “date” was only 2 minutes so it wasn’t like I’d be waiting long. Except when the bell rang, everyone moved round and no one sat at my table. Awkward. There didn’t seem to be much of a system in place. Either that or I have one hell of a resting bitch face. It rang again and the seat opposite remained empty. It was as if the men had decided I was late so couldn’t play. The cute bar tender took pity on me and came and sat with me, sadly he wasn’t single. When the bell rang again and the barman left, someone promptly took his seat (thank fuck).

I can’t really remember how many men I spoke to as this was now some months ago. I suppose it was about 10 or so. All in all I actually had a really good time. The age range was wildly varied, one man reaching 60 sat with me and said he just wanted to say hello but realised he was old enough to be my father, nonetheless we had a pleasant exchange of words. Some were horrendously boring, so it was nice to know you wouldn’t have to sit with them for long. Then there were those who the 2 minutes simply flew by and it wasn’t nearly long enough as there was so much more you wanted to know. I suppose it allowed you to meet a wide variety of men you wouldn’t normally, that you would perhaps swipe left for straight away on Tinder, that are perhaps really interesting. It’s good to break from your normal pattern, even if it is just for a brief conversation. A couple of guys sat with me for more than one turn, one of whom in particular I really fancied (T).

As the event was at a bar, it was extremely casual and afterwards most of the participants continued drinking so chatted with each other. My friend (and her new gal pals) and I sat chatting to a bunch of lads from the army and another group of guys who included T. This was actually the best part of the night, normally on nights out my friends and I tend to keep to ourselves, whether this is because until recently we’ve all been in relationships I’m not sure; but we had fun socialising with a group of different people, just chatting to them about all sorts.

T seemed pretty set on another girl though, so I decided to leave him to it. Until vodka took a turn on me, and as he left, I made my friend run after him to ask for his number. She missed him. We went to a club and bumped into him again. She ran over to him (she was a drunken mess, love you L) and was all sorts of embarrassing. I seem to recall apologising. We ended up chatting more and that led to me showing him photos of me in various states of undress on my phone and with his boner pressed up against my thigh. I briefly told L I was going outside and would she be ok on her own for a bit (she was goo gooing at photos of her baby at this point so I don’t think she’d have noticed if I’d have ridden bareback on him in the middle of the dance floor, but it’s best to check). We ducked outside as I told him I wanted to suck his dick (I was on my period so didn’t fancy a quickie). He face fucked me in an alley. I vomited a little. I tend to vomit when deep throating, I have no issue with this, though he seemed to be slightly horrified, he was a fair bit younger than me and maybe hadn’t violently face fucked someone before, who knows? Never done anything like that before on a night out.

I went back in, found L and chatted to the army blokes a little more. One asked me what I’d been doing. I told him. He was late 40s I think, and a little more straight laced than your typical squaddie, but he said he found me to be refreshingly honest.

T and I exchanged numbers and spoke a little after, though on reflection I wasn’t as attracted to him as my vodka tinted glasses alluded.

Overall my thoughts on speed dating: not as bad as I thought it would be. Definitely better fun if you go with a friend. Don’t take it too seriously; I can’t imagine it being somewhere to meet “the one”, but it’s good for a laugh. I thoroughly enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere in the bar, not sure how I’d feel about going in any other venue; I feel alcohol enhanced the experience (for me anyway).

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