I broke my heart

I have no one to blame but by myself for this. I met him on Tinder. It was never meant to be anything other than something casual to my recollection, but I fell for him. I’ve known in my head it wasn’t going to be for months, he made that quite clear and didn’t lead me on. But my heart didn’t allow it. I clutched to some false hope that I’d clearly fabricated in my mind that it would be ok, and eventually we’d form some semblance of a relationship, whatever that may look like. I didn’t want to run away and get married. I just wanted him to be in my life. The fact that I’d fallen for him put him off as I think he felt pressured it would have to become something he didn’t want. Truthfully, I was happy just to keep sleeping with him and spending time with him from on occasion.

Once he pulled back, I allowed myself to act like a complete idiot. I bombarded the poor man even though he owed me nothing. But now I have to stop. There have been weeks were I couldn’t seem to think about anything but him, yet I know I occupy no, if at most the smallest amount, of his brain. It’s making me miserable. If he didn’t get in touch, it would make me depressed, to the point of not wanting to get up. It’s entirely unfair to put that charge on someone who has no responsibility for you.

You might think it odd, considering we weren’t dating, (in fact he went away for work for several months, so I haven’t even seen him since April) and that I’ve been having casual sex with multiple partners, that I had fallen for someone. It’s made me realise that non-monogamous relationships are something I could very well entertain, as sex doesn’t have to have deep and intimate feelings for me. I think as long as you’re honest and both ok with it, I don’t see the issue. Having said that, I have laid off the casual one-nighters, as they just haven’t been fulfilling me in any sense of late. Though nothing is, and I wonder how much of my mind being preoccupied with this is to blame.

Until him, I’d never met anyone who made me feel so able to be entirely myself, made me laugh, made me happy, who I found fascinating and also infuriatingly annoying in his ability to wind me up. To date he’s irritatingly also the best sex I’ve ever had. I genuinely don’t know that anyone else can ever get that close. I’m incredibly grateful to have experienced that, but so fucking annoyed it’s been taken away. We had talked about maybe sleeping together again, he was worried it wasn’t a sensible idea, I suppose not when one person has feelings and the other doesn’t, but when I know that would it have been so bad? At least I’d know that’s all it was. (See I’m trying to talk myself into thinking I’ll see him again when I clearly won’t).

After everything, me acting like a complete moron, having not seen him for a long time now, he’s made it clear he doesn’t feel the same.

So now I have to get over him. I’m not really sure how to go about it. I’ve not done it before. When I separated from my husband, we had grown apart, so it wasn’t quite the same and we remained in touch as friends. I have begrudgingly had to delete his number. I can’t talk to him, and I know I’ll keep wanting to. He said he’d talk to me from time to time as we get on well, but it breaks my heart every time I do as he doesn’t want me, and it just makes me sad he doesn’t feel the same. I just cry. That’s not exactly healthy and I’m sure doesn’t lead to getting over someone. Plus it’s not fair to him to have some loon pestering you all the time.

I’ve had a post in drafts for months about when we first started hanging out. I reread it tonight and it reassured me that I hadn’t idealised anything. I’ve never managed to finish writing it as I find the good things harder to put into words. It may well sit there unfinished, or one day I might find the words to encapsulate our very brief time together, when I was completely besotted with a really cheeky daft man.

If you have any advise for getting over someone that consists of anything other than eating copious amounts of ice cream, and sobbing your pets, I’d be more than grateful.

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